I am a writer. People are born with many different abilities; I think some are given a single natural ability which they can use to best express their ideas, their emotions, and their souls: it could be art, song, dance, athletic competition, talking, speech, humor, etc.
For me, it is writing. Never am I able to say exactly what I want to say except when I write words. When I think in terms of words, my mind loses it's limitations. My ideas flow endlessly, they are communicated perfectly, and I am happy.
This is not the first draft. I have attempted to write this post many times. There was a time when I was much younger, and I could write regularly. I blogged. A xanga. (Not a livejournal, because I am half asian! ) I could honestly and openly express my thoughts as I entered in to adulthood. I wrote blogs on my definition of happiness, love, and on my dreams. I wrote on my successes, my failures, and my frustrations. It was my outlet, something I couldn't do without.
During my freshman year in college, I went through some intense dramatic circumstances. By the end of it, I suppressed many of my emotions, changed my name from Andrew to AJ, and I eventually refused to drink alcohol. I wanted to become different, to be a badass.
I became tougher, got a part-time job, found a gf, etc etc...I gained badass-ness, but it came at a cost: I couldn't write. I tried to honestly give words to my feelings and emotions, but I could express nothing. Over the past six years, I made many attempts. I created and recreated blogs, and I tried to recapture my writing. Nothing.
Until today. Suddenly I found myself writing, and writing while at work. At first, I filled up a post-it note...then two. Then I switched to my notepad, and I wrote three more full pages. I was not getting work done, but I was writing out how I felt, and it felt great. No, better than great! It feels like a great burden has been lifted off my shoulders! I am once again able to experience a feeling I had long forgotten. The barrier to my writing has been lifted: I am free, and I will not waste it.
I think I know why I can write now. For the first time in a long time, I think I can say: I'm in love.
It's interesting how being in love can make you experience so many different feelings. The excitement and happiness you feel when you get to see, hear, or speak to her. The uncertain hope that she has the same feelings in return. The anxiety that comes while waiting for her next call, her next message, her next email, her next text. The fear of possibly losing her friendship by trying to take the next step. It is exhilarating.
I am so happy and relieved, I can't believe that I am still writing even now. Even if it turns out she's not in love with me, I would still be okay. Of course unrequited loves always hurts, and I'd have to deal with a broken heart. But having my writing and expression back is an irreplaceable gift, and I would always be thankful to her for giving me that.
I can't giver her all the credit though. There are many, many types of love. Love from a mother, love from family, love from friends, and love from God. My romantic interest may have been the tipping point, but I am certain that the abundance of love that I've felt in the past several weeks has also contributed.
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Warning, I will talk about my faith a little bit here. If faith offends you, please skip to next paragraph ;P My love for God has become much stronger. I was invited to a friends church (a church of Christ) back in April. I realized once again how having faith and prayers can fill in that missing part of you. I decided to do something each month to honor God, while disciplining myself. I went vegetarian for the month of may. I wanted to prove "I can do all things through God who strengthens me." So I gave up something that seems impossible to give up. And when I craved it, I would just pray instead. This month, I will stay disciplined and go swimming 12 times. I haven't decided what I will do for July yet, but I'm sure it will come.
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The love from my family and my parents and my brother and sisters has always been a constant. I don't have to worry, I know I will always have a place to go to. This is something that I'm really, really grateful for. When I have a family of my own, I will make sure that it continues as mine is now. My kids will know that, no matter what they've done or what they believe, they will always be lovingly welcomed and supported at home. Well, I would change some stuff. For example, i will never, ever homeschool my kids. XD Worst idea ever.
Finally, this has been an awesome couple weeks hanging out with just my friends. Especially my commuter ones. I was worried when I graduated, who would take over the club? Will it just end after I'm gone? There's no one to step up it seemed. Now i realize how ridiculous that was. Several people stepped up, in a spectacular way that I never expected. I was so, so happy after talking to them, and seeing how they too care, and how they too are looking towards the future and worrying about who will take over.
I think all this love, combined with the approach of the impending hell that will be law school, created this change in me, that has once again allowed me to write. It also makes me want to leave San Diego less and less.
There is a chance that I may be accepted off the wait list at USD. I will attend part time while continuing to work at my job. Which is going great. I really like the people I work with, and my boss, once again is amazing. I think I've had a lucky work life: Every boss that I've ever had has helped me out and supported me tremendously. He spent some time calling around, trying to hook up connections to get me in to USD law. Because he wants me to stay in San Diego and keep working for him.
If I don't get off the wait list at USD, or university of Washington, or George Washington University, I will be going to Seattle U Law. I love Seattle, and I have sisters up there to help me. But the love I feel down here in San Diego is irreplaceable. Even if I do law school elsewhere, I think I want to come back here.
Of course it helps that both of my best friends have told me they intend to stay in San Diego for life. XD
I think...that is a lot of info for one blog post. The story is incomplete, but this is a blog, every entry should always end with "...too be continued." But it's okay, this is really more for my own expression than anything else. At the same time keeping a personal journal that no one else can see doesn't make sense either. (It's like dancing or singing, but always by yourself. Expression is best when there are people to express too, in my opinion) It's unlikely that many people will read this anyway, but the thought that someone might be reading is enough expression for me. I think I will add the link to my fb, but I won't make a production/fanfare out of it. If you have any thoughts, feel free to post them in the comments below. Or you can just silently stalk me, it's all the same. =)
Be Happy!
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